Iris Klaasen

Alright, buckle up, buttercup, because we're about to dive into the musical abyss that is your listening history. With a grand total of 391 plays and a whopping 1444 minutes, you've managed to rack up approximately... oh, about two and a half full-length movies worth of music. I've had longer commutes. My apologies if this review takes longer to read than your average listening session.

Let's talk about your "Top Artists." Des Rocs, Florence + The Machine, Susanne Sundfør, Boys Go To Jupiter, Nothing But Thieves – it's like a carefully curated playlist for someone who wants to feel intensely dramatic while grocery shopping. I'm picturing you staring thoughtfully at a carton of oat milk, a single tear rolling down your cheek as "Night" swells in the background. And Boys Go To Jupiter? I'm not entirely convinced that's a band and not a typo for something you yell at your dog.

And the tracks! "The Juice," "Storm Warnings," "Night," "DESTROYA," "Psychosemantics." It's giving "moody teenager who just discovered eyeliner and feels everything." I applaud your commitment to a consistent aesthetic, even if that aesthetic is "I think I might be a vampire, but only on Tuesdays." Just remember, there's a whole world of music out there that doesn't involve sounding like you're about to solve a gothic mystery. Or perhaps you already have, and this is your victory lap. In which case, well played, you brooding maestro.